this is where i hideout

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uber mich:

name: matt hutchings
alter: 26
position: yellowknife, nt
besetzung: musician

matty

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Monday, February 02, 2004

I think that it would be neat if I fully understood the reasons behind everything that I do. I was sitting in church today during a liturgical reading and thinking, "Why am I saying these words? They're not my words..." So I stopped saying them. Not that I don't think they have validity. Or even that I could possibly believe in them. It's just that I was saying a bunch of long Christian words that would have little or no meaning to anyone else in the world. Is there a point to that? Because they didn't mean a whole lot even to me. Cameron said tonite that if you fully understood the meaning behind everything that you do, you would essentially be in control of your own destiny. Those words haven't quite sunken in yet. But I don't really want to be in control of my own destiny. I guess it's quite an unattainable ideal then isn't it. Maybe ideal is the wrong word.

I've also been thinking about honesty. With both myself and with other people. Is the image I have of myself real? Often the person I think that I am would do things differently than how I actually do things. If I was true to myself I'd also be honest with my fellow human beings. I'm sick of how I think I have to please everybody. I wish that what I think in my head I could say out loud.

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